the midnight stroll

walking through the night, staring up at the street lights
thinking of all the dark things you fear, and all the loved ones you hold dear
passing through places and time, while every breath feels like a crime
but it's time for a midnight stroll, to ease the mind and free the soul
freeing the soul from all its burdens, like wishing that your life would just end
take in a deep breath of fresh air, knowing that nothing is ever really fair
so you walk to be free, hoping the people you know will forget the person that is me.

The Fall

I crave the rush of air that will surround my whole body.  The exileration of letting my second foot slip over the ledge, with nothing there to catch me.  The freedom I will be given as I fall towards the earth.  I will be flying.  No worries, no fears, and then nothing. 

I do not know how there can be so much noise when I am alone.  My mind constantly screaming, "Just shut up! No one likes you! Can't you tell they are just being nice because they pity your sorry ass!" 
I'm confused also as to why I feel completely isolated when I'm surrounded by people.  Am I ever going to fit in?  Or is my life just going to be endless misery, with my only hope being the knowledge that one day it is all going to end. 

I wish we could take a picture of our minds thoughts.  It would make it so much easier to show people how we are feeling rather then to express our thoughts in words.  Most of the time we can't find the words we need to describe how we are feeling.  Hurt?  No, why would I be hurt it's not like we had anything more than the occasional text.  Confused?  Yes, what did I do to make you change your mind.  Lost?  Always, I have no clue where I'm going or what I'm going to do.  Feelings?  Yes, okay maybe I am hurt because I did have some feelings for you but I don't know why when all my friends warned me.  Alone?  Forever and always. 

A weight pushes down on my soul as you fade into the crowd.  The thought of never seeing you again hangs like a storm cloud over my head.  Knowing that it is my fault you are leaving is like a knife to the heart. What is so wrong with me that I had to destroy the only good thing in my life.  Never feeling your touch, your breath on my face as you whisper into my ear, never seeing your smile brighten the room, a cold descends upon my heart just thinking about what I have lost.  No, not what i lost, what I pushed away, forced out of my life due to fear.  What I caused is a fate worse than death, it is a life without love.  A life without feeling. 

Life should be lived.  You shouldn't just sit and watch what goes on around you, that isn't living.  Action is living.  Action is life.

done with all this trying, done with all the crying, going back to my old ways, going back to better days